meet me there

What are the words?

Things continue to unravel.

Each day brings a new layer of complexities.

I have been practicing leaning toward simple,

Keeping it as simple as I can.

I have not been terribly successful.

As things seem to constrict around me, 

I speed up.

I go faster.

Speeding up seems to give me the 

Illusion of control.

Today I got stopped by a West Stockbridge policeman.

It appears I was driving 55-mph in a 25-mph zone.

As soon as he pulled me over, I started to cry.

I’m not a crier, particularly.

By the time he got to my car, I was sobbing.

Authentically sobbing,

Without any attempt

To dodge my civic responsibility.

He stopped next to my window.

I blurted out some of the details of my moment:

“Wife with cancer—lost my job…”

He stood there, somewhat puzzled, quiet.

He took my license and registration and walked back to his car.

I sobbed some more, 

Feeling good and sorry

For myself.

When he returned, he handed me my license

And 

Gave me a “verbal warning,”

Which beat the $250

Potential fine.

And then he offered me the kindest,

The most generous talk

About self-care,

Telling me that if I didn’t 

Slow down and take care of myself,

I couldn’t be there for my spouse.

Like, what I might tell you guys.

He was so generous

And so right-on

In his kind attentiveness,

His advice was so

Precisely

What I needed,

Hand-picked by the universe,

Was

This 

Cop

For 

My healing.

It was

A

God-Thing.

We blessed each other.

I drove away,

Slowly,

In tears.

Very slowly,

I drove

Very slowly,

With 

Tears.

~Aruni Futuronsky

when I shed the need to linger in “what now”- I just linger in what is…

inquiry for today~ oh to love and to know love in all the small ways…..

seemingly so small

I don’t have much knowledge yet in grief-

so this massive darkness makes me small.

You be the master: make yourself fierce, break in:

then your great transforming will happen to me,

and my great grief cry will happen to you.

~Rilke

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