why doubt?

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Nothing in this human realm is meant to work. So once you can deeply appreciate that-  the mind of compassion grows if you understand that everybody’s up against it.  I remember reading some works of Simone Veil, a French woman who lived in France during the war and she said there’s only one question worth asking anybody and that question is, “What are you going through?”

~Leonard Cohen

vulnerability could be the secret to a magical life….the holy grail…..the answer…..

inquiry for today~   remember your own hurts without shutting down today….notice how differently and consciously you may then relate to others……

creeping in

I found a window seat in the sun…which nearly brings me to tears because a. evidently my body has REALLY been longing for its light and warmth and b. I’m unusually on the edge of tears almost all the time these days. The duality of the most beautiful and the hardest. I have to say that I have really been struggling lately. More than I ever have in my life in some ways. I’ve always been able to just *happy thoughts* or *cookie bake* or *sprint interval* or *journal write* my way out of a funk. I’m waking up to myself in ways I’ve never been awake before, looking at my fears with a deeper (and unfamiliar) compassion. It’s me finally. finally. finally…feeling the knee-buckling surrender to what God and Life and every Divine being wants for me even if that means it’s so much less than I hoped for for myself. That’s a terrifying thought, isn’t it? That my dreams for myself might have always been bigger than I was ever meant to live. That maybe I’m someone who, in the grand design, was meant to live in such a way as to inspire others to say “not me. I will be more.” The grief of loosing what never was can be crushing.
But…I. Am. Here.
For love and in gratitude for what IS. I choose satisfaction. Deep in my soul. In ways that quiets the monkey mind and opens my eyes to the glorious medicine that this sun on my thighs is right now. That brings me to weep with gratitude for the existence of my children and grandchildren in my life. That drops all grudges. That loves my thick body, my debt, my wretched kitchen cabinets, my current inability to not fall behind on emails, my best attempts, my failures, my life-long addiction to stuffing myself into a tiny fear box, my willingness to be okay with all of it and not okay with all the things I’ve always tried to convince myself I was okay with.
I’m turning 40 in July. I’m not who I imagined I’d “be” by now (it stings) but am in more gratitude than ever before for my beautiful life + the love of my family (it heals). Suffering-born gratitude is a glorious freedom. If you’re struggling with something so deep that it changes everything you hoped you were, call me. I want to help carry it with you. XO

~Stephanie LeBaron Lee

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